As if raising kids weren’t difficult and demanding enough, many parents feel pressure to do it perfectly. But we also have lives beyond the child-rearing sphere: We’re partners, friends, colleagues, and more.
Trying to excel at all these things at once is almost guaranteed to create what’s called “parent guilt”: When we go to work and leave the kids in someone else’s care, we feel guilty. When we leave work early for our kid’s soccer game — another twinge. When we miss happy hour with college pals because our kid needs help with a school project, we feel contrite because we fear we’re turning into a no-show friend.
To make things worse, this pervasive sense of falling short makes it hard for us to be present when we’re with our children, at work, or with friends. It’s a self-reinforcing negative cycle.
Marriage and career counselor Rachel Glik, EdD, LPC, author of A Soulful Marriage, has some suggestions for breaking out of the cycle and escaping parent guilt. She says the key to juggling these relationships is tending to your relationship with yourself.
Stress Source
You feel inadequate. Struggling to balance kids, work, and a social life can make you feel like a failure in all three spheres. It’s a particularly modern dilemma because responsibilities were once divided, Glik says: One parent, usually the mother, would take care of the kids while the father went off to work. “Today, moms are bearing a lot of financial burdens as well, and there are also working fathers accepting more household responsibilities.”
People in your life offer unsolicited advice. “Parents and in-laws may suggest what they think you should do about parenting or your other responsibilities, and it’s easy to take this unsolicited advice as criticism, even if that’s not its intention,” she says. (See “What’s the Best Way to Handle Unsolicited Advice From Family Members?” for expert suggestions.)
You believe you should be able to do it all. According to Glik, the biggest culprit in creating parent guilt is the illusion that our reservoir of energy and capacity is unlimited. “That sets us up for thinking we’re always missing the mark.”
Kids don’t care. You might wish that your kids could understand the pressure you’re facing and cut you some slack. But infants, toddlers, and adolescents can’t see everything you’re trying to do — because their needs take priority.
You compare yourself with others. Opportunities for comparison are everywhere — from acquaintances who seem to be thriving to social media images of “superparents” who are popular and prosperous.
“Social media can create a kind of groupthink in which we return to some of the self-conscious anxieties we had in middle school,” Glik says.
Setting boundaries is hard. The temptation to think we can do it all is connected to the difficulty of saying no when necessary.
“It takes so much more effort to set a boundary than it does to get mad or just give in,” says Glik. “It can be particularly hard to set boundaries with ourselves — to give ourselves permission to take care of ourselves.”
Success Strategies
1) Give yourself a break. Successfully handling the pressures of parenting starts with realizing and respecting that you’re trying, Glik asserts. Acknowledge that you’re doing your best to balance all elements of your life. Then, she advises, repeat a mantra to yourself: “My best is more than enough.”
2) Reconsider how you establish your self-image and self-worth. “Why do we feel guilty for not being able to do it all?” Glik asks. “Often, we form our sense of self based on how well we succeed at making everybody happy.”
But we can’t make everybody happy all the time, she argues. We’re going to let down the people in our lives at some point, which is OK. “People can handle disappointment.”
3) Know your triggers. Glik recommends building awareness around the situations and stimuli that evoke strong emotional reactions. “I notice that when people want a lot from me, I can get angry,” she says.
Other people may be triggered by happy-family posts on social media, parenting advice from family members, or excessive physical touch at the end of a long day.
Becoming aware of your triggers can help you address the underlying need or issue. Glik notes that when she feels annoyed at people’s requests, “I mostly catch myself and realize it’s only because I put so much pressure on myself, thinking that if somebody asks me to do something, I have to do it.”
(Check out “13 Strategies to Deal With Your Emotional Triggers” for actionable advice for handling our trigger reactions.)
4) Use reassuring statements. You can acknowledge the other person’s need or concern when you decline invitations, Glik points out.
“With friends, it can be ‘I know that you miss being with me, and I miss us too. But it’s clear to me that this is where I need to be right now.’ At work: ‘I really want to join you on that project, but I just need a minute to collect my thoughts before I commit.’ If you have to miss a meeting, you can reassure people that you’ll get notes from a colleague.”
5) Pursue self-care. Compassionate boundary setting provides space for you to care for yourself, which Glik believes is essential. Caring for your health, pursuing hobbies and other interests, and seeking support from friends or professional counselors are all ways to make sure you’re able to put good energy into your roles of parent, friend, and colleague.
6) Get the kids to help. Your children may not empathize with your struggles, but they can help in other ways, Glik says. “One thing that helps to alleviate the overwhelm is to not see your role as to always give your children your energy, but to help them contribute their own.”
If they’re old enough, you can give them responsibilities, like doing their own laundry or helping with meals.
7) Be careful with comparisons. Glik thinks we’re hardwired to compare ourselves with others — “we’re social by nature, and it’s natural for us to be aware of others.” But we can learn to identify healthy comparison, in which we simply aspire to emulate someone we admire, and unhealthy comparison, in which we elevate another person in a way that ensures we will always fall short.
If you notice that your tendency to compare or compete with others has reached an unhealthy level, this may be a sign that you need to engage in more self-care practices or take a break from social media and other similar triggers.
8) Stay present. It’s best not to dwell on what’s next, Glik says. “It’s important to stay in the present moment as much as you possibly can so that you can listen within for where you’re needed now and not get ahead of yourself.”
Her primary tool for doing this is PBR — pause, breathe, relax. “It’s a micromindfulness tool easy to take with you throughout your day,” she says. “This tells your brain that all is well.”
9) Cultivate gratitude. “Being a parent, a worker, a partner, and a friend at the same time can be stressful,” Glik acknowledges. “But if you can see these roles as representing a full, rich life, that attitude can help you meet that life’s demands.”
Making a gratitude list can help you appreciate what you have. Or you could try Glik’s approach: “I like to pretend that I have just discovered that I have a family, a job, a circle of friends, as if I never had them or they were taken away from me and restored. Then I get to see them as amazing blessings.”
Renewal
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